Coronavirus Hysteria Grips City; Common Sense Evacuates 'til Spring
You don't have to act this way, though. This brief article will arm you with the facts to defend yourself from the Covidians and their hive mind attacks
Superstitious loons now wearing face masks outdoors too
Are you going to die from COVID-19?
Campus Security Blotter
Week ending December 12, 2020
Someone near ANDREWS said “black squirrel”. Units dispatched.
Raccoon in dumpster. Trash too low for it to climb out. Caller is no longer on scene.
“TRUMP 2020” sign on WAYNE faces campus. Caller wants it removed.
“Drinking at a house and no social distancing involved” is all caller said before hanging up.
Steaming pile of dog feces found under “BIDEN: BUILD BACK BETTER” sign
Caller needs ride to Best Buy to research harmful stereo types.
RURAL LIVES MATTER
Screeching harpy at Rural King threatens customers with police brutality
Dining in Wooster
Wooster has both good and bad dining options, but you’re not going to find either here. All restaurateurs in town are slavishly obeying Ohio’s unlawful and arbitrary lockdown and mask-up orders, so we can’t support them. (Actually we can, but we won’t.)
Shopping in Wooster
Shops in Wooster require patrons to wear masks on their faces just to enter. This has had the plainly predictable effect of teaching people how easy and convenient it is to shop at Amazon.com, Walmart.com and eBay.com instead. It’s hard to watch people being willfully self-destructive. Why don’t you go shop in Amish Country this weekend?
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Fun things to do in Wooster
Please try again later. We can’t find anything you can do for fun in Wooster, outside of your own home, where you aren’t required to wear a mask and to pretend that you’re doing something important to stop the spread of a virus that has a 99.6% survival rate.
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